Love Languages
What if you could do or say just the right thing to make your girlfriend feel loved?
What if she could do or say just the right thing to make you feel loved?
If you are having a hard time communicating with your girlfriend or if you find that’s she’s talking about “needs” that’s she’s not getting, there’s a good chance that the real problem lies in your communication with each other.
When It’s Not a Gender Issue
Sometimes, interpreting your girlfriend’s feelings (and expressing your own) isn’t a gender issue, it’s a language issue. More specifically a “love language” issue. Once you and your girlfriend both discover your own love languages was well as learn about each other’s, you can both properly focus your communications of love into the ways that are the most meaningful.
Communicate Using “Love Languages”
I was first introduced to the concept of “love languages” about 2 years ago. I was considering ending my relationship, when a friend told me about The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman. In his book, Dr. Chapman talks about the different way each persons loves and interprets love: Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Gifts, Acts of Service, and Quality Time Together.
Along with my other half, we sat down, took the quizzes and went through each of the love languages. As it turns out, my love language was “Words of Affirmation”, while his was “Quality Time Together”. We tried to put these concepts to work, and very quickly discovered that the more I tried to give him Quality Time Together, the more Words of Affirmation he gave me (and vice versa), which in turn, made me want to give him more Quality Time. It was an upward spiral.
We Love Others How We Wish To Be Loved
It’s interesting that we love others the in the same “language” we want to be loved. So if your “love language” is ‘Gifts’, meaning you feel the most love when your girlfriend gives you gifts, then you would also typically show your girlfriend that you love her buy giving her gifts. However, if her “love language” is physical touch, then all the gifts in the world aren’t going to make her feel loved.
It’s as if she’s trying to tell you that she loves you in Spanish, but you only understand and speak Chinese. It’s no wonder you can’t understand each other.
The Five Languages of Love
- Physical Touch- This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
- Words of Affirmation – Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
- Gifts – Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.
- Acts of Service – Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
- Quality Time Together – In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
Of course, we all have some of each of the languages in us, but tend to have one primary language. Chapman, also mentions that each person has an “emotional love tank” and when that tank is full, that’s there is no danger of the relationship ending.
Discover Your Own Love Language
The Five Languages of Love, by Gary Chapman
It’s easy enough to discover your love language, you can take the quiz in the book, online or download and print out a similar quiz. I prefer the quizzes that have two choice questions (the book and the PDF) as opposed to the multiple choice quiz (online). It was easier for me to make a choice between two options, rather than five at once.
Remember, It is just as important to learn your girlfriends love language, so she’ll need to do the quiz as well. I highly recommend trying this concept, I know that it really helped me to understand myself and it practically saved my relationship.
If you’ve used this idea in your own life, leave a comment below; I’d love to hear your story, successes, and challenges.